Everyone Loves a Boston Girl

Alternatively titled: apartment hunting on Craigslist makes me want to kill myself.

If you happen to follow me on Twitter, you’ve likely noticed I’m in the process of apartment hunting. I started the process all bright-eyed and bushy tailed. And then Craigslist killed it for me.

I’m no real estate agent, and I’m absolutely not claiming I could rent any of these apartments. Because I absolutely couldn’t. But what I do know is that I could save everyone a whole lot of time and energy… and that must count for something, right?

My advice to real estate agents listing homes on Craigslist:

• The words “Elevator building!” are irrelevant if the unit is on ground level or in the basement.
• Please don’t use the word “Wowsers” in the headline. Especially if the apartment looks like a bomb went off in it.
• We can tell if you’re stretching your photos. No coffee table is that wide. And the toilet seat looks like it was built for a giant. A for effort. Actually no, F.
  
• If you don’t put photos with your ad, there’s probably a reason. If you only include photos of the lobby, there’s probably a reason for that, too. Pretty lobbies are nice, but I shouldn’t want to sleep in it over my actual unit.

• The term “modern” changes through the years. What was “modern” in 1989, is not still considered “modern” today. A “modern” kitchen should not have a brown and yellow refrigerator.
  
• Brighton is not a “Coolidge Corner alternative.” I mean, technically everything’s an alternative to something else, but no. Just no.
  
• Who the heck would pay $250 for a parking spot in Brookline?
  
• “Clean carpet” is an oxymoron in the Boston-area.
  
• If you have to say “Lead-free!!” in the headline, you’re really struggling to say something nice, aren’t you?
  
• Cute means small. Cozy means small. Nice means meh. Unique means horribly ugly.
  
• Posting the same ad over and over, all in a row, is NOT going to make me want to call you to set up an appointment.
  
• If there’s a piece of trash in the middle of an otherwise empty room, pick it up before you take a photo. Heck, what do I care, kick it to the side if you want. Photoshop it later on if you really can’t build up the energy to remove it. just, I don’t want to see it.
  
• Please refrain from using hearts, stars, music notes, arrows, etc. in listing headlines.
  
• Just don’t say this: “living room is large, sunny and has great fridge in it, since the kitchen doesn’t have enough space to fit it.”

I’ll stop here for fear that I could go on forever and ever. Let’s just hope this apartment hunt doesn’t last that long. I’ve suddenly realized why I haven’t moved from my apartment in 5 years.

I thought this would be painless, but apparently it’s quite possible I’ll be living in a living room with a refrigerator in it. But at least I won’t have lead poisoning, right?

Candy, candy, candy, candy! Seriously, is there anything better? I’m giving that a big NO! But the crazy thing is, there are always new candies being invented. Remember when an M&M was just an M&M? And then slowly, more and more types were introduced. Now there are things like Coconut M&Ms.

But some candies just bring me back. I recently visited my fave childhood candy store at Perkins Cove in Ogunquit, Maine, and it had me remembering allll the candy of my childhood. First of all, I was allowed to eat candy cigarettes. Which is weird. Because my parents didn’t smoke and were totally anti-smoking. The candy ciggs definitely didn’t encourage me to smoke, but I highly doubt I’d let my kids have these. Remember?

Without a doubt, Lotsa Fizz was one of my very favorite candies. They were seemingly regular candies until you bit into them and fizz filled your mouth (there’s got to be a TWSS in there somewhere). I was obsessed.

Big League Chew was another candy/gum that I probably shouldn’t have been allowed to have. Not that it gave me a chewing tobacco habit or anything like that. But still. It just doesn’t seem right. Come to think of it, I don’t think I even KNEW what chewing tobacco was. Yet there I saw on the bench during my softball games at the age of 9 chewing Big League Chew. Classy little lady I was.

I don’t know why Push Pops were so awesome, but they were.

Oh hey, let’s eat sugar out of a packet with… a stick made from more sugar! That won’t make kids majorly hyper (or give them diabetes) will it?? OK, Fun Dip.

Candy dots. Basically like eating paper. What was even the point of eating a little tiny candy and getting a mouthful of paper? Weird.

And that’s really only the start of the crazy 80s candy. There’s also Pop Rocks, Sixlets, Ring Pops, Bubble Tape, the list goes on. OK, so candy is still pretty ridiculous today with things like Nerds Rope (which is SO SO good).

Also? I’m likely going to be a horrible mother someday who won’t allow her children access to anything that could create bad habits, or candy that will make them overly-hyper.

Plus, I’ll probably just be hoarding all the candy for myself. Duh.