Gawker posted a hilarious article yesterday called “Can You Tell That a Woman is Single and Unlaid Just From Her Apartment?” and it has me worried/petrified that my apartment is screaming single (minus the cat, I do not, nor will I ever have a cat). The thing is, everything on this list that I have now, I had when I was in a relationship and I will have in future relationships. Will this make me be essentially single forever, whether I’m in a relationship or not? Do I need to grow up? And furthermore, why do people feel the need to write these lists that just make me feel pathetic?
There are some things on the list that no person should have in their apartment, single or not, including Framed posters (unless you’re in middle school and won it from the local fair) and Slovenly heaps of little-used makeups in the bathroom (that’s just dirty, I don’t care who you are).
Here are the things on the list that I do have in my apartment, and my excuses for why I have these things, because yes, I do feel the need to tell you my excuses:
- Piles of magazines everywhere, comprised of tons of pretentious ones that are clearly untouched and then severely thumbed-through Vogues and Luckys- I’m a publishing graduate student and a reader. I read a lot of magazines. Or I have a lot that I don’t quite get the time to read. And yes, the pretentious ones are usually a bit more boring and take longer to read. Is reading Lucky so wrong?
- Overflowing shoe rack- Does having a lot of shoes scream single? Do people stop buying shoes when they enter relationships? I wasn’t aware. I think my ex bought me a lot of my shoes. I like shoes, big deal.
- Scented candles- So? Now I’m getting defensive. Who doesn’t like a candle or two? It’s not like I have a shrine of them on my bedside table. Sometimes i like my room to smell like Macintosh apples. And there’s nothing like the scent of sugar cookies to get you in the holiday mood.
- Stuffed animals in the bed- Yeah, that’s kind of lame, I guess. I can’t deny it, but I’ll still make excuses for myself. I just have one and mostly because I sleep better holding on to something (omg, I do sound single). But seriously, if you saw how many stuffed animals I slept with as a kid, you’d be pretty proud of me right now.
- Anything pink- How about everything pink? Not pink in a childish way (I don’t think), but it’s my favorite color so I have a lot of it. Is that bad? Because it’s probably not going to change. My boyfriend wouldn’t need to have pink in his apartment, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have it in mine.
- Unedited bookshelves, esp. if they include He’s Just Not That Into You or anything along those lines- I don’t have that one, but I do have Dr. Phil’s Love Smart. I am a huge Dr. Phil fan and don’t try to hide it. So why would I edit it out of my bookshelf? I also never edited out The Guide to Getting it On, which probably isn’t smart, but it’s an amazingly entertaining book. Wow, thanks to Sara for getting me all these self-help type books…do you think I need help? You can tell me…really.
The Gawker article also invited readers to submit their own entries. The best submission, no doubt, is “Your date from three nights ago, begging to be unhandcuffed from the bed” I have proudly not sunken to that low…yet.
Probably another one they could add to the list: Getting all paranoid and defensive that you have a lot of these things in your apartment. Damn it.